Thanks for your timely and seasonal questions John O’B! We thought we’d wait until after Christmas was finished with until giving you our full answers so here they are:

Q1. Do You Believe in Father Christmas?

Yes we do and we thank him for the presents he bought us this year: An orange, a stick and a hoop and a Buyapresent.com “Stomach Pump Day Experience” with the chance to upgrade to include a full “Colonic Irrigation Procedure”. Smashing.

Q2. How will you see in the new year?

Having recovered from Nigella’s baps we’ll be drinking our body weight in craft beer and eating a no bones KFC bucket. We’ll be cashing in our Buyapresent.com voucher fairly soon after.

Q3. Will enhancing your pension be one of your New Year Resolutions?

Yes it will. We’ve got a special pension plan here at Intertwit.com and we’ll be investing our surplus pension fund (currently standing at around £9) on McVicar running today in the 3.15pm at Catterick. It’s nailed on.

Q4. How will you celebrate Christmas Day?

We cooked for 6 hours, ate for 30 minutes and watched Dr Who. We felt too full for the full Babestation experience so went to bed early.

Q5. Will you be checking out the Boxing Day holiday offers?

When was Boxing Day? We may have been in a full diabetic coma.

Q6. What are your plans for Boxing Day?

I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago.

Q7. Will you be going to a religious service, say midnight mass?

Not an organized religious service per se but we’ll watch a couple of episodes of Father Ted and then recite the names of the priests in the Mrs Doyle “Father Todd Unctious speech”. Pick your favourite one!

Fr. Andy Riley, Fr. Desmond Coyle, Fr. George Byrne, Fr. David Nicholson, Fr. Declan Lynch, Fr. Ken Sweeney, Fr. Neil Hannon, Fr. Keith Cullen, Fr. Ciaran Donnelly, Fr. Mick McEvoy, Fr. Jack White, Fr. Henry Bigbigging, Fr. Hank Tree, Fr. Hiroshima Twinkie, Fr. Stick Bubblecart, Fr. Johnny Hellzapoppin’ , Fr. Luke Duke, Fr. Billy Ferry, Fr. Chewy Louie, Fr. John Hoop, Fr. Hairy Cakelinum, Fr. Ebula Conundrum, Fr. Peewee Stairmaster, Fr. Tight Head Lips, Fr. Jemima Racktouey, Fr. Jerry Twig, Fr. Spodo Komodo, and of course Fr. Canabrana Lammer.’

Q8. Who do you Want to be Christmas No1?

We are big fans of both the superbly bouncy but modestly clothed Mariah Carey and the childrens rhyming dictionary inspired Rak-su but apparently the 2017 Christmas no 1 was by everyone’s favourite acoustic small-guitared urban (by way of Framlingham in Suffolk) troubadour. We can’t f88cking standing his twee shite here at intertwit.com but hey it’s a free world.

To be honest the last Christmas No 1 we can remember was the RATM protest vote in 2009 but our absolute favourite is Conway Twitty and “It’s Only Make Believe” which was topped the festive hit parade in 1958.

It’s good isn’t it?

Q9. How will you decorate your home this Christmas?

We’ve got a full on Batman light thing which projects the Batman symbol 500m into the clouds in the hope that the caped crusader will come to our rescue and save us from the clutches of evil.

Not sure we got the gist of this question…but that’s what we’ve got.

Q10. Will You Have a Christmas Album Playing?

We were going to have Michael Buble at Christmas singing “Feliz Navidad” but the CD was unfortunately destroyed in a bizarre turkey basting flamethrower incident.  We settled for the first 6 Black Sabbath albums followed by the first 6 Van Halen albums instead. Birmingham meets LA. Jingle feckin’ bells!!!

Well John O’B , I’ not sure where that puts us in terms of A’s B’s & C’s but we had a pretty good time. Hope you did too!

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“To drink or not to drink. That is the question”.

Terry Shakespeare

“I drink therefore I am”.

Eddie Descartes

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. So have a pint.

Ted Nietzche

Wise words by brothers of famous people.

St Albans Beer festival. It lasts for 4 days Stompy.

Volunteer for the first 2 days and refrain from excessive pintage – no more than 4 every 6 hours. Sleep under the main stage in amongst the crash mats and emerge on day 3 as a free and liberated man. Drink happily in the knowledge that you’ve spent the previous 2 days in pursuit of helping the common good.

Your 2 days of accumulated pint quality knowledge will mean that you’ll know what the best tipples are. And you’ll probably receive a free t-shirt, glass, keyring and beer towel. Maybe a hat.

Do both. Do it.

Frank knew…

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer”.

Frank Zappa

To drink or not to drink. That is the question”.

John O’B, it’s been a while but we are glad to hear from you once again. And from the stream of consciousness above of it looks like you’ve been doing some serious thinking and general mulling over of things and recent events.

And yes we do actually agree with you – the world does appear to be in a constant state of absolute f**kwittery doesn’t it? Strange men and women are in power all over the place, we’re awash with disasters and terrorists and despite all the referendums and elections it would appears that none of those entrusted with power have a fecking clue what they are doing.

This arse \ elbow diagram sums it up nicely:

Well, with that cleared up let’s turn to the specifics of your question John O’B.

Q1 – Should we have a high speed rail link to North?

In a nutshell – no.

If you want to meet someone from the North of England just tell them to jog on and meet somewhere a bit closer to the South.

• Want to have a meeting with someone from Carlisle? Tell them to get on a horse bought at the Appleby Horse Fair and meet in Crewe
• Got business with a horse-punching Geordie? Tell them you’ll see them in the station bar at Sheffield
• Mancunians, crack on down to Leicester. Kasabian look like they come Manchester anyway and they’ve got a more recent Premiership winning team than either of your lot
• And Brummies, ride a cocked-horse to Banbury in Oxfordshire! It’s close to the M40 and both the Power Park & Thorpeway industrial estates. And if you fancy some fresh air then take a turn round the Spiceball Country Park. Want some entertainment a bit later? Well, Cropredy and its world famous folk festival is just up the road.

Remember John O’B, there’s nothing up North that can’t come down South a bit. Although not too far South, because that’ll be France.

Question 2 – Should we create massive tax breaks for the rich or finance food banks.

Well neither. Tax the former so we don’t have the latter. That sounds sensible doesn’t it? As the former Chancellor, George Osborne, once said “We’re all in it together”.

Of course, although he said it he didn’t really mean it. What he meant to say is:

 “The public sector will bear the brunt of the massive crookedness and recklessness of the banking sector by having a 0% pay rise for 3 years then a capped rise of 1% for the next 4 years and beyond. It’s OK because they all get a good pension (although as we keep on raising the State Retirement Age we’re hoping they’ll all be dead by the time they get there). Also we’ll be cutting services all over the place because if we upset the bankers then they might get the hump and leave the country. (Although they’ll be hightailing it to Dublin & Frankfurt very soon after Brexit).

And when I say “We’re all in it together”, I don’t include me or my pig-fellating pals. I’ve got a new job as a newspaper editor so stuff you.”

Q3 – Why not have a Freeview channel devoted to everything that’s food in rock?

JohnOB, this a quite frankly brilliant idea. If it wasn’t for those 2am Raw Power shows we wouldn’t be the good for nothing layabouts that we’ve developed into today.

For example we would never have got to see dear old Henry Rollins shouting about his good for nothing self like this:

and we would never have seen this quite frankly brilliant vid shot on a flying carpet by the riff-tastic Cathedral! Dig the handclaps at 2:05!

However, if we were Vanessa Warwick today and we had our own show this is what we’d be playing right now – it’s freaking catchy:

…and we’d be definitely be playing this. It’s even freaking catchier!

…and what about this brilliant piece of heaviness and harmony??? At 4:00 onwards it’s like the Everley brothers! (albeit a heavily distorted version).

What we’d really like to do though is just pay whole albums worth of stuff like this alt-country genius

…and if we had a combined digital radio station just imagine this 62 minute one song affair being played on the breakfast show or at drive time! Chris’ Moyles and Evans can shove it!

Now that would be a music station…

Anyone who would like to donate to help us get this idea of the ground then www.intertwit.com is the place to contact us!

Thanks JohnO’B, you really ought to be congratulated for this idea. Really you ought.

Bob! Thanks for your question. We always enjoy your pithy and erudite comments so it’s nice to receive a question from you. And Bob, we know just what you’re talking about here. And it’s these isn’t it:

Lordy

WTF????

No Freakin’ Way!

Why would you do this?

Come on now, really???

Just go home please.

Now we don’t pretend to understand fashion here at Intertwit.com but we do know what we like and even if we were virile young 20 somethings living in the midst of Hipsterville Central we don’t think we’d be wearing this sort of shoe \ no sock \ ankle frightened  getup.

If we lived in Milan or Rome or Monaco and it was lovely and warm and we were taking a turn round the local piazza or out for a gentle ride on our Vespa then we could kind of understand how this sort of look could fit in nicely. We’d look like local dudes fitting in with the surroundings.

But wearing this as your work clothes? On the tube or train? In February? No, nay, never. Nah-uh. Non. Niet. No,no, no. We saw a couple of blokes last week coming out of a football match (alright it was Arsenal but even that’s not an excuse) and they all appeared to be wearing their sisters jeggings! And they weren’t skinny blokes either so it just looked all the more ridiculous!!! It took us all our powers of restraint to stop us from verbally confronting them (after slapping them round the face several times) to ask them if they were happy that their female siblings now had to stay in until they returned home.

We digress though as there actually some serious reasons why this fashion faux pas is wrong aside from the high twat-factor.

We’ve known for years that tight trousers causes infertility in men due to the overheating this causes in the crotch area but there is also a risk of testticular torsion, heartburn caused by raised blood pressure, severe chafing and even thrush. And that’s just blokes – you don’t want to know what they do to women!

And as for the know sock thing! Well to put it bluntly, your feet are going to stink. Your poncey little shoes are going to stink. And due to your poncey shoes stinking your feet will stink even more until it becomes a cycle of unbearable stench and fungal infections. Not so cool now eh?

Foe God’s sake just get yourself a decent pair of boots and jeans and move on before you do anymore damage to yourself and the environment.

Bob, we suggest that if you see any young people in your area dressed like this then simply hand them this card:

It will make them think for sure and as long as they don’t look overly aggressive they probably won’t assault you.

Fashion. It’s easy.

Hi there John O’B, we like where you’re going with the End of The World schtick – all that we would say is keep watching Twitter for any further announcements down that road as that’s where all the news (fake or otherwise) appears to be coming from.

We also like your song choices a helluva lot – and here they are in their full glory.

Henry Rollins – Liar

Jeez, this song is good. Not sure Henry is boyfriend material on this basis mind you.

Our favourite bit: Rollins’ “understanding smile” at 1:31

Soundgarden – Like Suicide

An oft overlooked gem from the Superunknown album.

Our favourite bit: The simultaneous Chris Cornell scream \ Kim Thayil guitar wail at 5:10

King’s X: The Burning Down

The greatest band that nearly made it. We love King’s X.

Our favourite bit: The elongated diminuendo from 2 mins onwards. Live this song has a life of its own and is really quite euphoric…despite the end of the world bit

We’re going to add an extra one on just for you John O’B which hopefully fits the theme.

P J Harvey – Snake

Polly really is hacked off on this sub 2 minute blast of fury. Is she girlfriend material? We’d say yes, but we’d clean the dishes pronto and make sure we’d leave the toilet seat down with no traces of skid marks.

This song is equally applicable to ex-partners, idiotic politicians and duplicitous, disloyal footballers who (covering up their own infidelity) inveigle a move away from the club that saved your career on the basis that you are homesick.

Our favourite bit: The whole thing is a blast of primal fury but these lines are sang with real venom.

0:16  “You snake, you dog, you fake you liar”

0:44  “You salty dog, you filthy liar”

Great stuff, and she looks like she really enjoying it too!

If anyone else out their would like to share some apocalyptic or just plain angry ditties then let us know…before it’s too late.

Hi there

Problem Child, hello again.

Your new question is a serious one and while some may say you should be spending the halcyon days of your childhood in tree-climbing, rope-swinging, having random scraps over the park, discussing  and comparing who has the best scabs on your knees and forming lifelong friendships it is, we suppose, never too early to start thinking about the future.

And It is reassuring to see that you are not frittering away your school holidays on Taylor Swift, X-Box games and boiled sweets.

So let’s have a look at you ProblemChild. Just what might you be suited to?  From the questions you have asked in the past and the manner in which they have been phrased it is apparent that you do have a certain charm although at first glance it may appear limited and rather “selective”.

It’s also clear to us that you obviously have problems with social interaction of any kind with people of any age. Empathy does not appear to be in your vocabulary and you can appear somewhat self-obsessed at times. The working classes and their troubles are not important to you. You have enough to worry about after all.

For these reasons, we think being a career politician would be your ideal match.

Imagine yourself as the Secretary of Health. We don’t think you would have any qualms about pulling the plug on a series of dialysis machines, Maternity Units or Accident & Emergency wards. Your thick-skinned brutality, a quality that many politicians admire, would be a major weapon for you. You’ll be able to take the barbs of opponents with ease…just watch out for eggs, bricks and occasional assassination attempts.

One thing that will hold you back, initially at least, will be money. Recent Prime Ministers, Chancellors and Foreign Secretaries have all come from Eton-educated backgrounds where £20 notes are not so much currency as toilet paper. (There’s also the strange practices with pigs but we daresay you’ll work out your own specialist quirks for yourself).

So before you go into politics we recommend that you therefore embark on a short but lucrative banking career to make a shedload of cash. Morals are optional (in fact frowned upon) and venality is encouraged in the world of banking so we’d have no hesitation in thinking you would be a few million to the good in no time at all and ready to embark upon the political world with all the clout you need. Best of all, once you’re finished being PM, you could take up a couple of highly paid one-day a month non-executive Directorship roles before you go into House of Lords and arms dealing.

That all sounds good eh? Well it does doesn’t it? However we at intertwit.com can spot talent when we see it ProblemChild. That’s why we want to you offer you a limited internship for the next 12 months writing your own ProblemChild (© intertwit.com) column!

What do you think? We know you’ve got a lot to say and right now no one is listening to you. Absolutely no one. We can give you the platform you need for anything you want spout on about. Obviously we won’t pay you but you could be the next Katie Hopkins, Richard Littejohn, Caitlin Moran or Terry Christian in a matter of weeks….

…the ball is in your court ProblemChild.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Swedish Chef, Tack så mycket för din nyår önskemål.

Det är bra att höra du njuter vår lilla hemsida. Vi är mycket hedrad över att vara en del av skräp i Sverige och över hela den europeiska kontinenten. Brexit eller ingen Brexit förblir Intertwit.com till hands för alla!

Lyckönskningar för 2017.

(Förresten, visste du att 2017 har utsetts till det internationella året för Custard?)

Adoptions? Probably not problem Child.

Apprenticeships? I’ll be answering that question more fully shortly. Suffice to say 2017 could be big for us all…

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Hi there Problem Child, it’s a pleasure to hear from you once again. All of us at Intertwit.com hope you had a smashing fun-filled Christmas which we trust wasn’t ruined by your dear parents too much.

Did you receive some lovely presents such as a “stick and hoop” or a Satsuma? We always liked getting that sort of thing when we were your age. Perhaps you got some more modern items such as an “etch-a-sketch” or a lovely board game such as “Risk”? Whatever you received I’m sure it was bought with the sort of love and care that you deserve.

We were also pleased to hear of your mild affection for us as well. We kind of like you also. Kind of.

Now then, let’s turn to Custard. We don’t know where you obtain your information from but yes you are right, 2017 is going to be a BIG YEAR FOR CUSTARD! And yes it is also true that Intertwit.com will be at the forefront of 2017 International Year of Custard. Keep your eyes peeled in the coming weeks for some exciting announcements.

However, here’s a bit of an exclusive taster of what you can expect in the next 12 months:

The Coronation of a King & Queen of Custard

Who will be crowned the 2017 International Year of Custard’s King and Queen? Just who are the men and women who through their love and selfless promotion of all things custardy deserve this inaugural accolade?

Here’s a couple of the front runners…

V Feltz

T Anstis

D Behr

Icey T

..and they will be letting us know during this year just why they want the kingdom of custard to be handed to them in a bowl!

There’s also going to be a combined Music and Custard Festival – Custardbury  or Monsters of Custard (we haven’t decided which as yet) – to celebrate everything thick, sweet an yellow.

And intertwit.com will be featuring a host of custard recipes from all your favourite custard-loving celebrities such as Alec Baldwin, Lester Piggott and Natasha Kaplinsky  to name but 3.

It’s all very exciting and we can hardly contain ourselves! I bet you can’t either Problem Child!

2017 is going to a year to remember! Get your spoons at the ready!

It’s lovely to hear from you once again Problem Child you precocious little brat. (“Precocious little brat” is a term of great endearment in case you were wondering). You really must be a source of constant joy to your parents.

First thing’s first. Well done on the parental algorithm program. While I’m sure it can do many things with regard to inveigling extra pocket money and Quavers from you mater and pater I’m not surprised that it’s hit a stumbling block with your rat problems. You will require instead an even more modernistic and technological solution.

And you’re in luck because since your question was posted intertwit.com has announced the formation of its exciting new vermin extermination system – ILRS.

Intertwit

Laser

Rat

Solutions

Bloody hell, it’s going to cause a revolution in rat disposal – worldwide!

How does it work? Well it’s quite simple really…especially when you’re using our patented “Catherine Zeta Jones Entrapment Laser Despatchment Unit (CZJELDU)” technology.

Our highly trained engineers will visit your rat infested hellhole and set up a series of mirrors all over the place (like Catherine Zeta Jones in the film “Entrapment”) in the areas where your rats are. Turn on the laser – which is in fact a highly powered US Navy AN/SEQ-3 Laser Weapon System that we “borrowed” from somewhere. Don’t ask where, you want your rat problem solved don’t you? – and a powerful beam shoots forth into our patented “Ball of Power (BOP)” device. The BOP splits the laser death ray into six further concentrated beams which bounce across the mirrors forming an impenetrable grid of doom for any rat that passes by. In cricketing terms, Geoff Boycott would call it a “corridor of uncertainty”. We call it a “Corridor of Certain Death”.

Within minutes, yes minutes, your rat problem will have disappeared.

Although the ILS is absolutely deadly to vermin like rats, mice, pigeons and giant pandas it won’t destroy nice animals like woodpeckers or goats – unless you want it to of course. There’s a Woodpecker friendly setting at the back of the unit by the sandwich maker.

For peace of mind, The ILRS system comes with a 100% guarantee of success or your money back. Unless we’ve already spent it.

Still a little unclear about how this all works? – just click on this diagrammatical facia then.

Looks blindingly obvious to us Problem Child. The “ILRS CZJELDU” is available right now (even at this time!) from all major garden centres and places where you can buy fireworks (eg off dual carriageways or in pub car parks) – RRP £17.99 or 2 for £40.00.

Despatch those vermin!

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