Well, sorry about the delay there MinorTwerp but the intermission has been in a good cause as we’ve actually just been to South and North Korea just to make sure you were making the right choice with your dart-related decision making.

So before you travel we thought you might like to compare and contrast, if you will, both halves of the Korean peninsula. As a result our new information is the most definitely correct and up to date guide to North and South Korea in the absolute world right now. We’ve also come up with a neat little way of working out which country is best by taking a look at some key areas:

Let’s look at the key facts about both South & North Korea first:

South Korea:

Population: 51.25m

President: Moon Jae In

Capital: Seoul

Gross Domestic Product: $1,530,751,000,000 (a lot of zero’s).

Major Industries: Electronic stuff, cars and Gangnam style dancing.

 

North Korea:

Population: 25.36m

Supreme Leader: Kim Jong-Un

Capital: Pyonyang

Gross Domestic Product: $129.75

Major Industries: Military hats, some cows , nuclear weapons.

Key Facts Winner: South Korea is a modern economic wonder and despite the lack of fancy hats wins this category hands down.

SK 1 NK 0

 

Well, them’s the facts, but what about something a little more subjective like…

Food:

South Korea: Kimchi (pickled cabbage), Samgyeopsak (pork belly), cold bibimbap, dep fried mandu, bulgogi, Hangover stew and spicy stir fried octopus are just a few of the delicious treats on offer in the South.

 

North Korea, however, appears to be continually on the brink of drought, famine and starvation so food is at a premium for the locals let alone a bunch of Western capitalist dotards out on the town looking for a fry up and a large shish.

South Korea wins the food category

SK 2 NK 0

 

Travel

South Korea has an excellent if not comprehensive rail network and travel is cheap when compared to Western Europe. Seoul has 9 major subway lines and a convenient and populous bus service. Use it, it’s good.

South Korea has a stack of airports too, Incheon International in Seoul had 57 million passengers pass through it a couple of years back. That’s a load.

 

North Korea has 2 train lines:

Pyongyang North to Pyongyang South stopping at Pyongyang Central.

Pyongyang East to Pyongyang West also stopping at Pyongyang Central.

Both lines run on alternate Thursdays and take 3 days from end to end mainly because they are pulled by a combination of oxen and small North Korean women called Jang, Jina and Jenny.

North Korea also has a reliable if slow rickshaw service around the rest of the country. It’s slow because they are pulled by a combination of oxen and small North Korean women called Jang, Jina and Jenny. The rickshaw service is suspended on alternate Thursdays and for 3 days after due to the scheduled running of the Pyongyang Express.

North Korea has one airport which is used only by the Supreme Leader and his mates. Most other travellers parachute into the North Korean countryside, heavily armed and under cover of darkness from a stealth plane.

Travel Verdict: Although we were a fan of the rickshaw (and Jenny in particular) South Korea has to win this category as sometimes you need to make that train rather than be 2 days late.

SK 3 NK 0

 

Beaches

South Korea has a stack of unspoilt beaches and islands (it’s got 33,000 of those) and you’re sure to have a relaxing time at one of them like this one:

Some can get a bit crowded though so try to go a little further out than Seoul

North Korea has got a lot of beaches too and around 1550 miles of coastline. Unfortunately most of it is strewn with landmines, barbed wire and machine gun posts. Avoid.

Beach Verdict: South Korea

SK 4 NK 0

 

Attractions

South Korea:

Find your inner peace at The Garden of Morning Calm in Gapyeong!

Find your inner Korean at the Street of Korean culture in Insa-Dong!

Find your inner stomach and eat yourself stupid in Myeong-Dong!

Find your inner idiot and lose the contents of your inner stomach at the crazy Lotte World theme park!

And much more besides!

 

North Korea has 3 military museums of note.

♥ The Museum of the Khaki uniforms and Medals

♥ The Museum of Big Hats

♥ The Museum of Close Formation Marching

Verdict: This one is real close so we’re going to call it a draw because despite the South’s myriad and often stunningly beautiful distractions we like the North’s more “focussed” approach to its attractions (and we really like the hats).

 SK 5 NK 1

 

Alcohol

The North Korean Taedonggang is a golden orange lager which is considered to be one the better pints in the Far East. We don’t think that the colour is due to nuclear waste.

Most N Koreans tend to drink Soju, a clear spirit which appears to be made from anything that they have close to hand such as rice, barley, potatoes, scotch egg surround and twigs.

The South version of Soju is not quite as potent as they tend to leave out the twigs and scotch egg surround.

In addition, beer in the South is of the more refined style and as a result is more palatable to Western tastes. They also make a lot of international brand stuff such as Fosters and Carlsberg and based on this we’re giving the verdict on alcohol North Korea as long as we don’t go blind or contract damaging liver complaints!

SK 5 NK 2

 

Nightlife

Bar, Clubs and discotheques abound in South Korea. You can party all year round in the South and still avoid having to partake in the ol’ Gangnam nonsense. Quite frankly, everyone is having it large.

 

North Korea has a curfew most evenings so the nightlife is mainly centred around trying to get to a Soju bar without getting arrested or cut down by machine gun fire. Fortunately, your chances of survival are increased by the frequent “power-saving cuts” in the North so normally the snipers can’t actually see you. However, also due to the “power-saving cuts” most bars are very dark and you can’t find them because it is very dark outside. And when you get there they don’t have jukeboxes. If you are lucky though you may encounter a bar with a solo Bipa or Haegum player. North Korean groups are very rare as some of the instruments are very cumbersome and it’s difficult to get to a venue without the machine gun thing coming into play.

Most North Korean music is quite sombre.

Verdict: Going to have to go for the South on this as the curfew thing is just a bloody pain in the arse.

SK 6 NK 2

 

Haircuts

Some might say that everyone in the country having to have the same haircut and hair product as the Supreme Leader may be a little undemocratic and stifles freedom of expression. Piffle. We say it keeps barbers in a job and creates a stable hair product market.

Verdict: North Korea

SK 6 NK 3

 

Uniforms

Who’d thought you could get so many medals on a single jacket? They must be very well made.

Verdict: North Korea

SK 6 NK 4

 

Hats

Come on, be real. No contest. Just look at the feckin’ size of these beauties!

Verdict: North Korea

SK 6 NK 5

 

Close Formation Marching

Watch this and you’ll know the winner of this one:

Verdict: North Korea

SK 6 NK 6

 

Well, Minor Twit despite the best (and exhaustive) efforts of the intertwit.com team we can’t actually come up with a definitive answer! It’s a flippin’ draw!

Both countries have a lot to offer we would say but if you decide that the risk of political arrest, constant machine gun fire, nuclear waste and long range missile attacks by the USA are outweighed by your love of undercut hairstyles, khaki clothes and close formation marching in jackboots then just perhaps the North is for you!

Either way, let us know which side of the 38th parallel you decide on and send us some pictures when you get there (although try not to be near a military installation or uniform factory when you take your snaps!).

Please note – North Korea is absolutely not suitable for children under the age of 12. Or Springer Spaniels (definitely not Springer-spaniels).

Minor Twerp, here’s a teaser of what you can expect courtesy of McFadden’s Cold War @Coldwar_Steve (Twitter collage maestro and Phil Mitchell reportage visionary)

 

…but is it South or North Korea. We will reveal all…

 

It just so happens Minor Twerp that we’ve just come back from the far East (well Lowestoft) so we are well placed to answer this question in full and frank detail.

 Please bear with us while we get over our jetlag.

 

 

Sorry about that OnionTerror, the pea drought may be as a result of our previous and obviously highly influential answer.

Worry not though as you can replace the peas with anything frozen e.g sweetcorn, mixed vegetables or, to a lesser extent, broccoli florets.

If your local supermarket has sold out of all these items then stand in the frozen section with the glass doors open. Although you will be moved on eventually by the security staff you will at least receive the benefit of some short term cooling relief.

If you then avoid being carted off to the local police station because you became embroiled in an altercation with the security staff then make your way home only via shops that have air-conditioning in them. Try also not to cause any further incidents as the police will already have your description.

Once at home, dig a medium sized hole in your garden (say 2m x 2m) line with bin bags and fill with water. Immerse yourself for the rest of the day in your watery lagoon and you should now be cooling down nicely.

If you don’t have a garden dig your hole in the nearest garden or recreation area you can find taking care to avoid both local residents and law enforcement agencies.

Keep cool!

 

 

 

Yes it is very warm isn’t it Bob?

As an aside, if you’re having trouble cooling down then try placing a bag of frozen peas under your hat. If you don’t have a hat then tie the frozen peas to your head with a bandage or a large elastic band.

For a more targeted approach to cooling extra hot parts of your body then take individual frozen peas and place them directly on the affected areas. Although the peas will warm up pretty quickly they will provide an instant hit of “iced-pea relief”. You can then reform the individual peas into a fritter of some sort which can then be fried to a make a handy, quick and nutritious snack.

Keep cool!

Yes well Mr Onion Terror, BMW drivers. What can we say except you are right you don’t need any confirmation:

Drivers of BMW 4×4’s are indeed officially the worst people in the world.

And that’s been backed up by a recent study at the United Nations in New York*

We all know that the drivers of BMW cars have been total tits for many many years now. All through the 1980’s & 1990’s you couldn’t drive for more than half a mile without encountering some total tit in a BMW 3 series weaving in and out of traffic jams in a needlessly aggressive fashion. Tinted windows, go faster stripes and low profile flarings that sort of thing.

They weren’t just the preserve of well heeled boy-racers, hairdressers and general wide boys (yes we said wide boys) though. Drug dealers, junior traders, successful double glazing salesmen, and everyone in Palmers Green, North London and most of Essex quite liked them too before graduating onto the larger 5 series.

 

The new 4×4 BMW’s are just the next logical progression for these people except they now seem intent on deploying these huge beasts to drive little Toby & Sophie to school in them. And woe betide you get in their way as you’ll be forced off the road into a ditch or cyclist because and we quote:

“I’m important and have the right of way on this road because I’m in a BMW! A big f**k off BMW at that so get out of the f**king way because after I’ve drop the little sweethearts off at wherever it is they go to during the day I’ve got a 45 minute personal training session with Quentin at the gym and then I have to meet all the other 4×4 drivers for a vegan skinny macchiato without the coffee or milk. And so what if I park like a self obsessed naval gazing fascist, I can do what I damn well want! Get out of my f**king way!!!”

Mr Onion Terror, these people truly are the most awful and terrible people in the world and we thank you for making sure we don’t forget it!

* Survey carried out at the United Nations Bar and Grill, New York, Honduras. (Happy hour Wednesday & Friday 5-7pm)

Thanks JohnOB , now we’ve read your question (?) we are officially loving your  HOT ideas here at the ‘twit.  And as such we’ve rated them on how likely they’ll actually come to fruition:

 

Hoppen All Hours: 8/10

Absolutely nailed on and it’s already been commissioned for Autumn 2019. Along with curly Kelly, it’s anticipated that her put upon Granville type stooge will be played by Rent a Posh idiot manchild Jamie Laing on the basis there’s no more reality programmes left that he can appear in.

 

Ground Force Tenko: 3/10

This one maybe slightly contentious but we guess there’s always a few people we’d all like to see put through a Guantanamo style water-boarding process attempting to install a water feature while the said celeb is being hampered by the insertion of multiple bamboo shoots into various crevices.

 

Send Home Our Neighbours Away Back Where They Came From 7/10

Edgy.

Brexit’s a fertile area for comedians but it’s mainly the left wing socialist types who have all the best lines. The twist with this sitcom is that former English Defence League leader Tommy Robinson and bearded Scotch firebrand Frankie Boyle will be playing the main protagonists but unfortunately because former English Defence League leader Tommy Robinson and bearded Scotch firebrand Frankie Boyle will be playing the main protagonists the surfeit of offensive views and abusive swearing will mean it will only be broadcast at 3am on Tuesday mornings…for 7 minutes.

It’s unlikely to get a 2nd series and may not even get past the first episode.

Still, it’ll be better than Miranda or Mrs Brown’s Boys.

 

Hash in the Attic 11/10

Genius idea.

On current form, Ant McPartlin will obviously be the host but fortunately not flying the helicopter. Hopefully Anneka Rice will be involved somewhere running through hedges although Rachel Riley or Myleene Klass will be acceptable alternatives. (This could be a programme on its own merits).

 

 

Vocation Vocation Vocation 2/10

Nice try, but trendy vicars don’t really do it for anyone do they? This chap might stand a chance though.

 

The Only Way is Sussex 6/10

Much loathed as we are to see more of Piers Morgan’s massive head we’d be happy for it to be dashed against the rock of an English beach.

Maybe have the show as an annual event to coincide with the nearby Lewes Bonfire Night Celebrations

 

Your other suggestions around Richard Osman etc have some merit too but stray into the Alan Partridge Monkey Tennis area i.e. ridiculous but likely to happen.

Carry on though JohnOB with more of your wacky ideas as you are now officially our Head Of Trends at intertwit.com! A salary commensurate with your skills and responsibilities will be calculated soon and paid in bamboo shoots!

 

Welcome on board!

 

 

 

 

Thanks John O’B!

Is this a question or a stream of consciousness writ large for all to see?

We’re not sure to be  honest as it’s taken us a while to read it.

Rest assured more will follow soon!

Thanks Bingo, what a smashing question!

Celebrities really are great aren’t they and we love it when they’re out of their comfort zone eating spiders, performing the Argentine tango or screaming their heads off at fellow contestants in a hot tub. Brilliant!

But just who will be appearing next in this never-ending stream of professional desperation? Whose star will have waned sufficiently over the next few years so their dreams of acting, singing and athletic stardom will have faded until memories are all they possess of a once vital and vibrant career…?

Well if we ignore the usual Holby City \ Casualty \ Hollyoaks crowd and the rest of the Essex \ Chelsea \ Geordie mob (as they are naturally pencilled in somewhere over the next 3 years) let’s look at a few likely characters from other spheres…

Music… well what about the current 2 leading boy \ girl bands of the age. 1D and Little Mix?

1D look ripe for alligator testicles pretty soon we’d say. The Irish fella and the Northern lad look shoe-ins for 2019/20 now that their solo careers are done as one album each is more than enough. Liam (the one who is just about to split up with 2012 “Queen of our Hearts” – Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini-Payne ) will be following shortly after in 2021 and will talk incessantly about the breakup before copping off with a heavily tattooed lady in the Big Brother smoking area.

Harry Styles maybe a little more bullet proof at the moment as he attempts to carve out a serious musical career so we don’t expect him to start dancing \ cooking \ ice-skating until around 2027 – possibly in a dream team moment with Robbie Williams just before they exhume the bodies of the rest of Take That for a last farewell tour.

Speaking of Take That, Gary Barlow won’t be appearing in any celeb stuff as his burger van business around the Great Manchester area has really started taking off.

So to Little Mix then. We really like these girls and right now they’re as hot as hell despite the fact they regularly appear to get dressed in the dark and end up wearing next to nothing on stage! Unfortunately though, Little Mix have no time for reality TV mainly due to the fact their management insist on working them like modern day slaves 24/7 in case the public forget who they are for more than 3 minutes. The girls are on a one way leotard wearing trip to oblivion and exhaustion so we reckon we’ll be seeing Jesy Nelson jumping out of a plane over Australia in Dec 2020. It’s a pity her mum Carol Vorderman has already been out to Australia as that would be good TV we reckon!

The other girls, whose names we temporarily forget, would be a good addition to Celebrity Come Dine With Me. The one who went out Zayn Malik could do it with him in the couples edition. That’d be good.

Although we don’t know much about other current musicians we always see Charlie XCX and Rita Ora in the Metro most days as if they were dressed for their Summer holidays. Singers by trade apparently, expect them to be releasing cookbooks after appearing on Masterchef in 2021. The good thing about publishing a cook book is you’ve then got a foothold into writing books for children which appears to be latest charlatan’s way of pretending you’re really talented.

 

What about the chaps then? Well the Rag and Bone Man has had his 10 minutes so expect him dressed in lycra and sequins after his 2nd album bombs out.

And the Grime fellas. What about them? Well Stormzy has already sold out by releasing a record with a backing choir so his music career is now finished. He’ll be good at attempting the Triple Salkow on Come Dancing Under Ice which is a reality show so unrelentingly awful that’ll they’ll probably have cancelled it again. Stormzy may therefore have to appear on the  new yet-to-be commissioned show “Carry On Strictly Up the Buses” where celebs get to drive a London Routemaster bus through a Monday morning rush hour while flirting with members of the opposite sex by shouting out “Phhwoooaar” quite a lot. This one has a way to go with TV execs due to the current climate but never say never.

That’s enough musicians and the like we think. What about actors though? You know, the important actor people who can really change the world with their massive life experience…

Well. personages we’d like to see covering themselves in mud or tempering chocolate are Posh actors like Eddie Redmayne, Benedict Cumberbatch and Emilia Fox (they would of course be able to have their butlers and ladies-in-waiting to help though).

 

 

 

Speaking of posh, Boris Johnson is currently evens favourite to be either Prime minister or impersonating Janis Joplin on the soon to be revived Celebrities Stars Up Their Eyes. 2021 for that at the latest.

 

 

So that’s quite a lot to look forward to isn’t in Bingo! Bring on the failed career paths!

 

 

 

 

Well Bingo, you are in luck. It just so happens that Ed has a load of brothers and 2018 could be the year that they form the Partridge family style outfit of you dreams. Here’s what the full lineup would probably look like:

 

Ed Sheeran (on small hands and small acoustic guitar)

 

 

 

Ted Sheeran on bass

 

Fred Sheeran also on bass

 

Jed Sheeran on Drums and percussion (mainly maracas)

 

Ned Sheeran on keyboards

…errrm..then we have

Shed Sheeran on lap steel and gardening tools.

…and then…

 

…wait for it…

 

…hang on nearly there…

 

Sheep Sheeran on lead guitar and mint sauce with a herb crust

 

We thank you.

Intertwit.com maybe be sidelining in terrible and contrived jokes throughout 2018.