Thanks for your question Bob! We’re glad that intertwit’s 1^st question in 3 years is one of such national importance.

You are, of course, right to be troubled, disturbed, concerned, confused, upset, vexed and quite frankly terrified at the prospect of Christmas Pudding crisps. They should be opposed at every turn, ignored by the public and destroyed.

However, drastic and direct action such as turning over displays of crisps in food outlets may result in arrest, prosecution and possibly even imprisonment if your crisp destruction methods are too extreme (eg ramming the crisp aisle at high speed in an articulated hauler or combine harvester).

Instead, we would suggest using non-violent methods of protest and perhaps even collective action if you can find enough like minded and equally concerned citizens.

There are 198 Methods of non-Violent action according to Gene Sharp, the noted American political scientist so take your pick really!

198 Methods of Nonviolent Action by Gene Sharp – The Commons (commonslibrary.org)

However, our favourite method would be just to write to your MP as those guys have really got our backs. If you don’t know who your MP is Bob, then don’t worry as we would suggest you write to Theresa Villiers, the current MP for Chipping Barnet.

Theresa was the Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs between Summer 2019 and Feb 2020 and was appointed by none other than all-round good egg and non-liar Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. As we all know, he’s a great judge of character and Theresa must have been a fabulous secretary of state during those heady and wildly successful 8 or 9 months she served.

You can write to Theresa here:

Theresa Villiers MP

163 High Street, Barnet, Herts EN5 5SU

Good luck Bob, but with TV MP on board we look forward to the imminent cessation of Christmas Pudding crisps very very soon.

Thanks for your question JohnOB.

Self-isolation can be difficult even for the most socially awkward of us and even if we think we don’t like people we probably don’t mind having a few of them about on occasion if they stick within the parameters of “Don’t talk to me, unless I talk to you first and even then I’m really not interested in your answer unless it’s what I’m thinking already”.

To help understand your problem a little more we’ve applied your situation to the not commonly known 7 Stages of Self-Isolation Model…(this has absolutely not very much at all to do with the Kübler-Ross Grief Model which is something completely different).

Shock and Disbelief

“I can’t go and buy Wotsits? What are you saying? I need to lie down. I’m feeling dizzy and somewhat nauseous. Hahahahah, I think I’m hysterical”

Denial

“Actually this all b*llocks. I’m off out with a wheelbarrow and a shedload of cash to get Wotsits”

Pain

“Jeez, this is all too much. Is this all my fault? I need something to numb this all. Where’s the vodka, methadone and Pickled Onion Monster Munch?”

Anger

“F**k this, why this happening to me? This isn’t my fault, this is down to you lot. This isn’t on my watch! Come on then, try and take my maize based snacks off me if you think you’re hard enough!”

Bargaining and Guilt

“Actually this is all my fault. How could I have been so stupid? If only I didn’t love Wotsits so much. I’ll make it up to you, I’ll start cleaning the house.

Depression

“I’ve listened to No Surprises by Radiohead 24 times in a row. Just leave me alone. It’s just me and the house now”.

Acceptance\Hope

“You know, Wotsits aren’t the only thing in my life. I’m cleaning the house and everything is good. There’s more cheese based snacks out there in the aisles…Cheeselets…Mini Cheddars…Cheese & Onion Crisps”.

So JohnOB, we think you are on about stage 6½. You’ve accepted that Wotsits aren’t the only thing in your life, although they are obviously important to you and indeed all of us. The house has provided you with a welcome distraction and we all love a clean house so well done for embarking on this necessary part of your recovery.

Next you just have to ease up on the cleaning a bit, perhaps concentrate on a small part of the house only like the toilet, kitchen or larder. And if you’re feeling brave enough this will give you time to explore the outside world again as long as you take intertwit’s advice on:

Headgear

And to a lesser extent

Undergarments

And if you feel like you need an extra little bit of security when you go out then maybe take a part of the house with you like a comforting blanket, rolling pin or toast rack.

We like to take out our favourite brick…

…as it really is a handy bit of security.

So JohnOB, we’d like to hear how you progress over the next few weeks of lockdown so please keep in touch but we think you and Stuckhome Syndrome can be a thing of the past and very soon!

Remember…Be Happy, Stay Safe and Stay Home (unless you have to go out for essential Wotsits).

Oh Minor Twerp, what larks we are having here today!

On a separate, but entirely related, note did you know that intertwit.com can offer a full range of legal services at highly competitive rates? We’re competitive because we’re not strictly qualified to offer legal advice and anything we do advise is to be taken with a very large pinch of salt. Well, what do you expect for £5 and hour with a retainer of a daily creme egg? Petrocelli? (1970’s reference for the more Rockford Files inclined of you).

However, bearing in mind you current institutionalised state this financial and chocolatey retainer also offers you the chance of a free, full and frank psychological assessment which may come in useful if you find your liberties in danger of being deprived.

Minor Twerp, we look forward to extending our relationship further in the coming days, weeks and months!

Hi there again Minor Twerp, I hope you and your family are continuing to keep safe and off the streets.

Reading your latest question we actually really do think that it’s extremely important that you do stay at home and away from other people at all times. Not just in this worrying moment for the world but for the foreseeable future. Have a think about it at any rate. Please.

As for you query, there is no Covid-19 guidance on undergarment apparel from the UK Government, World Health Organisation or even the Graeme Norton Show but if we read between the lines we can safely assume that all of these bodies would prefer people to keep their groinal regions out of sight and covered up.

If you want to wear rubber and studs then it really is your choice and we look forward to receiving a question from your partner in the very near future. We prefer breathable polycotton jersey style trunks.

Once again Minor Twerp we are very pleased to be able to offer you and your family some helpful advice. We would only reiterate our plea for you to stay at home safely locked behind the doors of your basement/torture dungeon/goat compound.

A timely and important question Minor Twerp so we’ll keep this brief and informative.

The Government has not as yet laid down strict guidelines on headwear but you and your wife appear to have gone for a sensible full body option.

You are also right in thinking that hats can help to combat the spread and transmission of Covid 19 but not any of the hats pictured below we’re afraid…

Avoid this sort of thing at all costs! Too many people these days appear to think wearing hats is a substitute for personality and that it will additionally aid them in staving off a pandemic virus. We here at intertwit.com would instead a encourage our readers, and yourself Minor Twerp, to don something like the following (if of course your journey out is absolutely essential).

Great, we hope that you understand what we’re saying here.

If you absolutely must go out and it is essential that you do then make sure you stay safe and wear something like the items above with the GREEN TICK.

This way people will see you and if they’re not stupid then they will make every possible effort to AVOID you as well.

Stay safe and Stay Home Minor Twerp!!!

14 eh Problem Child? That’s a difficult age isn’t it? The innocence of your childhood is fast disappearing and hairs are growing in the once silky smooth areas of your body. Not to mention the pustulent and painful acne which will be virulently breaking through in a volcanic mess in the near future. It’ll scar your face for months and years to come.

Back to the election though Problem Child. Who to vote for? We are mildly surprised at your question knowing your prevalence and admiration for the political right wing. Still, as you’ve been partaking of large amounts of finest malt whiskey you may have momentarily softened your Genghis Khan\Mussolini stance and your question, as a result, seems quite genuine.

We have only one piece of advice and that is if you think the current Conservative administration has been doing a marvellous bang on spiffo job then vote for them. If, however, you think that they have perhaps taken their eye off the ball and led us into a disastrous and never-ending cycle of misery and despair where hope is only an abstract convention then perhaps lend your chauffeurs vote somewhere else.

Realistically we predict that the Conservatives will win decisively with a majority of 79 seats. The Labour heartland in the North will crumble and Jeremy Corbyn will go back to gardening, taking pictures of manhole covers and campaigning for Palestinian rights.

The SNP will gain even more ground in Scotland, and the DUP will see setbacks in Northern Ireland. The Welsh do whatever the English do so more Conservative gains there.

In summary, we’ll have another 5 years of Fun Fun Flippin’ Fun or perhaps even more unless the Labour party can come up with a credible alternative anytime in the next decade…

As an interesting side note we are at once happy and dismayed to find that Lord Buckethead (Monster Raving Loony Party) and Count Binface (Independent) are standing in PM Boris Johnson’s constituency of Uxbridge & Ruislip South.

Happy because well look at them…

Binface and Buckethead

…but dismayed because if they stood on a joint platform rather than splitting the “alternative” vote then they could have a real chance of power. Well that’s what we think anyway.

We hope this helps Problem Child, try and stay off the whiskey for a while and enjoy your onsetting adolescence/journey into adulthood. Perhaps have a couple of Drambuies to take the edge off things.

We expect you’re off to Europe or Colorado for the Winter sport season soon. In which case we hope you stay safe and don’t have any nasty snowboarding accidents or anything like that…

***Question originally answered at 11.54am on 12th December 2019 but delayed posting due to electoral purdah rules and our internet was down…honest***

Hi there Problem Child,

Bingo makes some good points in his answer and really you could be satisfied with just this response we feel. However, we thought we’d also do a bit of “intertwit delving” (not a medical procedure) to make sure you have a full grasp of the vast array of available climate change facts and figures that could potentially bamboozle even a child of your massive precocity.

So here it is…

As with most things, the Prime Minster’s record on and attitude toward climate change can be best described as “fluid”.

He does however ride a bike.

That’ll be about it.

Well, it’s easy to get confused isn’t it Bingo…although you seem more confused than even the most dedicated intertwit.com reader

Dinosaurs and vegetable fat? What could be more different? Look for yourself man!

Really pretty different I’m sure you would agree even in your least lucid moments…but hang on there actually maybe a valid reason why your discombobulation is becoming all too evident. Hold the phone to the sanitarium Bingo…

Yes, it’s Slash out of Guns n’ Roses Marc Bolan out of T-Rex!

Consider for a moment this timeline:

70 million years ago: T-Rex (the pointy toothed dinosaur) was born

65 million years ago: T-Rex (the pointy toothed dinosaur) became extinct

1930: Trex vegetable cooking fat created

1947: Marc Bolan (out of T-Rex) born

1977: Marc Bolan (out of T-Rex) died

Still none the wiser?

Well after some deep, deep research carried out by our top researchers, it appears that Marc Bolan was not only a glam rock icon but also a talented baker* (he taught Mary Berry how to make Preston Lard Scones in 1968) and established film scriptwriter (he wrote the original treatment for Jurassic Park 3)!*

See where we are going here? That’s right, the facts point in only one direction. T-Rex, Trex and Marc Bolan out of T-Rex were all pretty much inextricably linked at one point and remain so incontrovertably. Unfortunately, and again this is no coincidence, pointy toothed T-Rex, the original maker of Trex (no one knows his or her real name) and Marc Bolan are all dead! Some blame the Russians, some the CIA, some Prince Phillip, some say the makers of Cookeen. Who knows, but all we can say for sure is we will never know.

What we can say for sure though Bingo is you are not, REPEAT NOT, a nutcase. Phew! We bet that’s a relief!

*Facts not immediately verifiable  at this time but we are 15-75% certain of this

Good to hear from you once again Problem Child. We’re sorry to hear that your parents are being hard taskmasters at the minute but we expect that, in the long run, it will be to your benefit as you tear up the financial world with out any compunction, fear or regard for any other living being.

To the matter in hand then…Brexit.

Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit.

Brexit – A whirlwind of madness and incompetence which has highlighted our political leaders’ highly developed culture of ineffectiveness and inadequacy. Our politicians have displayed a level of ineptitude which we always knew resided within them but was generally kept under wraps by not really having anything important to do most of the time apart from getting involved in the odd war and such.

By and large our politicians have (albeit successfully) demonstrated their immense capacity for shameless self-serving preservation and have tried to drag the rest of us along in a semi-orchestrated parade of lunacy and pointlessness.

It plays on your mind doesn’t it? Brexit, Brexit, Brexit. Every day, all day. Non-Stop…until you become a bit tired of making shit up and you decide to take a 2-week holiday…

But we digress Problem Child. So back to your question and just what are the articles after 50?

Well Articles 51 – 59 mainly revolve around standing in contemplation just to make sure what just you did by invoking Article 50 really was the thing to do…

Article 51: Any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in a Corner of a Small dark room” (less than 15^m2) for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months   

Article 52: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 51, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in a Corner of a Small dark room while wearing a jaunty cap” for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months  

Article 53: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 52, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in a Corner of a Small dark room while wearing a jaunty cap and holding a gnarly stick” for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months

Article 54: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 53, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in a Tin Bath” for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months  

Article 55: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 54, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in a Tin Bath full of water” for a period of not less than 1 month but not more than 3 months  

Article 56: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 55, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in a Tin Bath full of water and freshwater piranha” for a period of not less than 1 hour but not more than 3 months

Article 57: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 56, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in the middle of a busy dual carriageway” for a period of not less than 1 hour but not more than 3 months

Article 58: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 57, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Stand in the middle of a busy Accident & Emergency ward” for a period of not less than 1 hour but not more than 3 months until the bites and on legs and  impact injuries from numerous Road Traffic Accidents are treated.

Article 59: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 58, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Sit down, have a nice cup of hot, sweet, milky tea and treat yourself two (2) Rich Tea biscuits

Articles 51-59 were all carried out under the auspices of a joint UK government and European legislative process.  The conditions of the articles were completed successfully in a bi-partisan and non-political arrangement by ex-Queens Park Rangers and Tottenham Hotspurs football manager Gerry “mullet” Francis and former Royal correspondent Jennie Bond.

Articles 60 – 69 may appear even more odd than the 51-59 list but they really are there for a good reason and give credence to the highly important checks and balances that have to be taken into account in the months, years and possibly decades following the Article 50 decision.  They are mostly concerned with running.

Article 60: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 59, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run on the spot for a bit until your breathing becomes elevated”

 Article 61: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 60, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run around a field bit until your breathing becomes laboured”

 Article 62: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 61, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run around a field bit until your breathing becomes tachycardic”

Article 63: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 62, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run away very fast from a large and hungry dog having been given a 25m headstart

Article 64: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 63, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run away very fast from a very hungry leopard given a 15m headstart

Article 65: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 64, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run away very fast from 2 very hungry leopards given a 6m headstart

Article 66: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 65, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run across 50m of flaming hot coals”

Article 67: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 66, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run headlong into opposing traffic on a very busy dual-carriageway”

Article 68: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 67, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run headlong into opposing traffic on a very busy dual-carriageway while competing in an egg and spoon race time trial”

Article 69: Having satisfied the conditions for Article 68, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Run headlong into opposing traffic on a very busy dual-carriageway while competing in an egg and spoon race time trial over 100m of hungry crocodiles and leopards while being shot at from 8 adjacent grassy knolls”

 The conditions of articles 60-66 were completed successfully in a bi-partisan and non-political arrangement by ex-Queens Park Rangers and Tottenham Hotspurs football manager Gerry “mullet” Francis and former Royal correspondent Jennie Bond. Due to near fatal mauling injuries Articles 67-69 have been held in abeyance pending selection of new candidates.

Ex-Treasure Hunt Wondergirl Anneka Rice is 90% certain to take up the vacant reins while former Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan is holding out for thicker and more flame-retardant clothing.

 Should the member nation complete all the conditions in Articles 51-69 then only Article 70 remains:

 Article 70: Having satisfied the conditions for Articles 51-69, any nation member that has triggered Article 50 should “Sit down, have a nice cup of hot, sweet, milky tea, treat yourself to three (3) Rich Tea biscuits, decide it’s all been a terrible waste of time and Revoke Article 50. Rewind, Erase and Push Play”

Well, we hope that this has cleared a few things up for you Problem Child. Brexit really is a bloody awful shenanigan but thankfully we here at intertwit.com have been able to demonstrate our complete and total grasp of the situation.

Boredom. Boredom, boring, boring, bored. Bored, bored, bored.

Wow, boredom is really catching isn’t it Bob! Normally we don’t get that bored here at intertwit.com because we’re always busy with all of our utter nonsense but sometimes we can’t help doing a bit of navel-gazing when we’re quiet and alone in our fortress of solitude\bedsit. But being bored isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you use it as period of rest, reflection and indeed relaxation.

However, there’s a lot of big-brained sorts who have had a lot say about boredom over the years and you don’t have to read between the lines too hard to find out some of them are not over keen on the whole concept!

Look at Arthur Schopenhauer getting all serious on us:

“Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom”.

Arthur Schopenhauer

…he really doesn’t seem that happy does he?

Mind you that Danish philosopher, funster and all round jolly old cove Søren Kierkegaard doesn’t mince his words either…

“Since boredom advances and boredom is the root of all evil, no wonder, then, that the world goes backwards, that evil spreads. This can be traced back to the very beginning of the world. The gods were bored; therefore they created human beings”.

Søren Kierkegaard

That’s some pretty heavy sh*t from Søren there. We reckon he needs to spend a couple of hours down his local Copenhagen Mikeller bar.

And here comes little Freddie Nietzche weighing in with his 2 pfennigs…

To escape boredom, man works either beyond what his usual needs require, or else he invents play, that is, work that is designed to quiet no need other than that for working in general.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE, Human, All Too Human

He’s obviously not been down to the London Stadium in the past 2 ½ years….

We prefer nutso Iggy Pop’s relatively sanguine take on boredom though and we bet he’s having a good time really!

I am sick!
I am sick of all my kicks!
I’m sick of all the stiffs, I’m sick of all the dips, I’m sick!
I’m sick when I go to sleep at night, I’m still sick in the broad daylight,
‘Cause I’m bored!
I’m bored!
I’m the chairman of the board!

Iggy Pop – I’m Bored

We reckon though, if you’re going to sing about being bored then this little tune by Bay Area Filipino-Californian Thrash legends Death Angel is the one

I’m bored
Life it’s not so fair
Nothing here and nothing there
I’m waiting constantly
It’s not the way life’s meant to be

Boredom starts to set
I try so hard but it’s all I get
Keep waiting all the time
I think I’ve reached
The end of the line

Death Angel – Bored

How does this help you though Bob? Well admittedly not that much really so that’s why we’ve set out 13 suggestions and diversions you could employ to fill those periods of time when you’re not at work or down the pub.

1. Work more
   
2. Go down the pub more
   
3. Read a book like “Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever” or “Love and Dr Devon” by Alan Titchmarsh. You might have to be dead rather than just plain bored to want to read these but they’d keep you occupied while you ripped them up and started a small fire
   
4. Learn to play a musical instrument. Start with something simple like a penny whistle or tuba and work your way up to pedal steel guitar, timpani drums or harp
   
5. Write some nice prose or a bit of poetry. Try and keep it a bit more refined than “There was a young man from Nuneaton…”
   
6. Run about a bit or play some sport or something where you have to wear lycra or a pair of shorts\headband
   
7. Do a bit of painting or some general DIY in the house. Put up a shelf and generally make a nuisance of yourself with a hammer
   
8. Go for a nice walk
   
9. Get yourself a pet like a cat – any size up to a leopard will do. They are relatively low maintenance apart from the feeding bit and some days they’ll ignore you completely and then on others they might sit on your head all day as they’re feeling a bit needy.
   
10. Become an important vlogger and influencer. We actually don’t know what these characters do but they appear to be all the rage in their Emperor’s new clothes and money for old ropism
    
11. Go down the pub again
    
12. Errr…
13. …That’s it

Some great ideas there I’m sure you’ll agree Mr Munkee and even if you hate all of our suggestions it may inspire you (or your friend) to think of one of your own using your own brain! Brilliant!

Now be about your business with all haste and rid yourself of your blue funk!