HairyJim, beards are here to stay aren’t they? They became popular during the recent financial crisis when razor blade prices spiralled prohibitively out of control. This in turn gave an excuse to slackers across the world to sprout forth and multiply and look like Edwardian Arkansas backwoodsmen.

Not that this applies to you I’m sure HairyJim. You just want to have a healthy chin and stop people throwing their spare change into your hat.

I assume that you have employed the standard “washing with soap and water” approach without much success and you’ve probably even tried banging your beard about with a rock to knock out the detritus and rubble contained therein.

I also expect that you’ve looked at the numerous new fangled products that are now available to the everyday beard wearer. I’m thinking here of Beard & Shoulders Beard Shampoo and Grizzly Adams’ range of beard oils that can be employed on man and bear alike. But these are expensive HairyJim and we like to take a more holistic and eco-friendly approach here at Intertwit.

So, instead we reckon that you, HairyJim, can achieve maximum beard cleanliness by employing one of these little fellows.

No, not the crocodile! Although I suppose it would probably remove the beard cleaning problem in a thrice it would also almost certainly result in the removal of your head. This would make things tricky for you at work and in certain social situations I expect.

No, I’m talking about the bird that is sitting in the mouth of the crocodile – The Egyptian Plover.

The Egyptian plover and the Nile crocodile engage in a wonderful symbiosis. The plover sits in the croc’s mouth cleaning, picking and eating the dead flesh from between the reptile’s teeth and the crocodile is kept free from mouth infection and tooth decay. The plover in return receives a free feed and looks the coolest bird on the Nile.

So, procure yourself an Egyptian Plover HairyJim and allow it to nest in your beard. Within a matter of days you will have:

• A marvellous symbiotic relationship
• A well fed bird
• A weevil free beard

And plovers are cheap (Ha! A joke too!) But if you don’t want to buy one, simply position yourself in the nearest river so your head is just above the water, open your mouth and let nature take its course.

Good luck HairyJim! Your beard is saved! Although you may miss the loose change…

JohnOB, you’ve already realised that the secret to good quizzing is indeed preparation. Actually, the real secret is knowing the questions and answers before you turn up but I’m assuming the Bengeo Division run a tight ship and aren’t susceptible to FIFA or IAAF style trickery.

In which case here are some sure fire winners that you’ll bound to be asked:

1) Which Country’s gun-toting flag is this?

a) Guernsey
b) Texas
c) Mozambique

2) What type of diesel locomotive is this?

a) Small Shunter
b) Medium Shunter
c) Large Shunter

3) In which American state is the Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve?

a) California
b) Ohio
c) Idaho

4) Cardigan Fields is a homogenous looking retail shopping area in which English city?

a) Bristol
b) Leicester
c) Leeds

5) Under which set of circumstances would an individual see a circular rainbow?

a) From an airplane where the horizon cannot interrupt the curvature of the rainbow
b) Heavy Sedation
c) None. they don’t exist

6) What is the capital of Peru?

a) Diss
b) Quito
c) Lima

7)  West Germany won the World Cup in 1974, but which team beat them in that tournament?

a) Wales
b) Sweden
c) East Germany

8) How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

a) One
b) Four
c) Fish

9) Who slew the monster Grendel?

a) Ross Kemp
b) Fish from Marilion
c) Beowulf

10) David Bowie had large numbers of which garden ornaments in his New York home?

a) Novelty bird boxes
b) Funny signs like “Beware of the Owner” or “Crazy Cat Lady Lives Here” type things
c) Laughing gnomes

Difficult stuff JohnOB? Probably not for someone of your calibre I expect. Just in case, all the answers are b).

Or c).

Dear Minor Twerp, what I wouldn’t recommend is painting my arse red. But you’ve gone and done that now and while you’re able to sit comfortably, if conspicuously, around the rocks in the commune that you appear to live in I’d wager 2 bob to a pound that you’ve made yourself look rather silly in front of your female population.

There maybe, however, a way back for you where you’ll be able to carve out an important place in your female oriented society. I’m not promising you’ll be top of the pile – your wife and daughters will always rule the roost so to speak – but I reckon we might be able propel you to around 6^th or 7^th in the pecking order depending on the size and intelligence of the livestock you have.

The first thing to do is to procure yourself these items:

A utility belt stuffed with tools and gadgets will give you the air and appearance of someone who knows what they are doing and even if you can’t tell the right end of a hammer from the wrong one you’ll look like someone who is comfortable with fixing things when they go wrong – a chap who knows things. The belt will also hold your trousers up so no one can see your red arse.

The hard hat will convey a sense of something dangerous going on– “Stand clear, I’ll deal with this. You don’t have a hat on”. You’ll also look dead butch.

Next, walk round your house when no one is looking, “breaking” things that you can then later fix. Take a fuse out of a hairdryer plug. Unscrew a door handle so it is loose to the touch. Take a cable out the back of the computer. When reports fill the house of broken appliances and lights not working, you’ll be on hand with your utility belt and hard hat to fix the very problem you have created! Within no time at all you’ll become indispensable to the group as the man who fixes things when they go wrong. No longer will you be the red-arsed buffoon sitting in the garden trusted only with grooming the weasels. You’ll probably be allowed indoors or at least have access to a shed with a roof.

Knowledge is power Minor Twerp and unless your wife is some sort of engineer who is able to see through this ploy (this would be unlucky) I look forward to an update from you in the very near future confirming your new found sense of purpose, esteem and well-being.

Well Minor Twerp, you and your friends certainly sound like a lot of fun what with all your vacuum hoover shenanigans. Give us a call next time you’re on a 20-pinter and Intertwit will buy you all a drink!

However let’s get to the question in hand – tucking in using a duvet.

You are absolutely right of course, tucking in was easier in the days of bedsheets and blankets. The inebriated tuckee could be simply wrapped in the style of an Egyptian mummy and within a few seconds they were incapacitated, ready for bed and unable to move for the next 8 hours. Salad days for tuckers.

The introduction of the duvet has in many ways attacked the very fabric of British society. Hospital sheets and the strict bed making regime of matrons up and down the nation are what made this country great and, Minor Twerp, I like to think your ridiculous tucking in practices, while bevvied up in B & B’s, are indeed a tribute to Aneurin Bevan and his vision for a free National Health Service for all. Well that’s what I like to think…

Despite all this, tucking in with a duvet is not impossible although you will need a few extra implements to hand. Namely, a couple of stretchy bike straps and a roll of clingfilm.

So, once you have your tuckee, or victim, in a compliantly drunk state roll him in to the middle of the duvet and wrap the bedding round them. Take the bike straps and secure them tightly around the duvet. Finally wrap the whole “duvet parcel” in clingfilm. Hey Presto – you’ve got yourself a “Ballotine of Idiot” that even David Blaine or Dynamo would have trouble escaping from!

NB – Remember to the leave the head and feet unwrapped so you can draw on the individuals face and tie their shoelaces to the nearest bedpost. Insert your vacuum where you feel it will make the most impact.

Well, I hope that helps Minor Twerp but if you are feeling nervous about using this new “Ballotining” method why not try experimenting on a goat or a sheep first if you happen to have one handy.

Monkey, there is no need to tell your partner(s) of your infliction but try to cover your mouth when coughing, sneezing or vomiting.

It’s probably best to keep your clothes on as well.

Celebrtity chefs are great aren’t they NikkiH? My personal favourite is professional Yorkshireman James Martin who lives in Surrey. He’s brilliant.

Anyway, we know a thing or two about cooking here at Intertwit and we’ve been hard at work in our Blumenthal style laboratory coming up with these kale inspired culinary delights just for you:

• Sautee the kale lightly in crushed garlic and butter. Serve simply on a plate
• Salt it heavily with Maldon sea salt flakes and bake in the oven to produce a crispy sea weed style dish
• Boil the crap out of it, bury it for 10 years and serve it with the Swedish fermented fish delicacy Surstromming.
• Sautee again but this time with brandy. Throw the kale away, drink the brandy. Eat a Fray Bentos Steak and kidney pie in a tin.

…and for dessert

• Serve with Madagascan Vanilla ice cream but don’t eat the Kale
• Soak it overnight in petrol, flambé it and douse liberally with cointreau for an alternative take on crepe suzette
• Cover it in chocolate, decorate with delicate sugar work and throw it in the bin

Let’s face it, we’re polishing a turd here aren’t we? Kale is food for cows no matter what anyone tells you. And don’t buy into this nonsense at all about super foods. You don’t see cows running the 100 meters in less than 10 seconds or winning the Tour de France do you?

Have a jacket potato instead.

Never let it be said that we shy away from the unpalatable here at Intertwit MinorTwerp.

Your unfortunate problem, while not often discussed in polite conversation at dinner parties, is indeed a common and recognised issue in the UK especially in males in the 47-49 age bracket. (Which is how old I expect you probably are).

You are already right to use the remedial darker pallet underwear to cover up your embarrassment (if you are embarrassed) so you have at least acknowledged you have a problem.

The causes of this problem may however be more difficult to establish so let’s do some investigation.

Do you eat any of the following regularly:

• Lentils, pulses or beans
• Bran flakes
• Piccalilli
• Shippams salmon paste
• Sweetcorn (tinned or fresh)

Any one of these food groups (that are incidentally promoted by the government as “healthy”) may cause excessive bowel loosenage which will inevitably result in disastrous underwear skid stainage.

So instead try altering your diet to include the following which will help to slow down and block up your digestive tract:

• Ringos (all varieties)
• Discos (not salt and vinegar)
• Coconut block (solid not diluted)
• Luncheon meat
• English muffins
• Rich Tea or Custard Cream biscuits 

This will definitely help for sure. Honest. Probably. Let us know either way MinorTwerp but don’t bother with any photographic evidence. I’ve just eaten.

On a side note. What to do with all your soiled, ruined and unwearable undergrundies? If you have a Bio-mass fuel converter in your shed out the back then throw them in there for an extra few thousand kilojoules of energy. Eco-tastic!

Great work by JohnOB & Minor Twerp there. This is the sort of solution that Intertwit.com aim to provide all of our members!

However, as we may have just become an accessory in a major crime we obviously wash our hands of the whole affair.

Thanks for your answer Monkey – a highly worthy and creditable addition to Intertwit.com.

However, we here at Interwit Heights tend to agree with the Bellamy \ Packham theory on the Giant Panda.

The key phrase in Witters’s question for me is “helpless creatures”. And that is indeed what they are. Helpless. Without the intervention of man would they be able to survive?

Place a Giant Panda in the wild. Would it starve without being fed copious amounts of bamboo shoots? Would they be able to procreate without the intervention of man-made fertility treatment? I’m not so sure.

So in the name of science let’s indeed place a couple of Giant Panda’s in the wild – say Harlesden in North West London or Bodmin in Cornwall. I’d give them 2 months before the Chinese airforce fly in to airlift them out.

Richard “Dick” Head (1797-1824) was a congenital idiot who was born and raised in the picturesque Wirral village of Heswall. Blessed lightly with common sense he was often to be found holding lengthy conversations with local cows about the important and not so important topics of late Georgian society.

For cows Richard had thought had been particularly kind or had just provided him with an excellent conversational nugget he would present them with a gratuity of some sort – perhaps a fine porcelain teapot or a couple of bags of curly kale.

On many an occasion the residents of Heswall could be cheerfully heard to exclaim:

“Look at that Dick Head always cow-tipping!”

Richard died at the tender age of 27, crushed by a 4 ton Aberdeen Angus bull.