Hola,
I am impressed that you have survived your school, or gulag as I have read in the historical records.
It has inspired me to come up with a film script which will have the Hollywood moguls beating a path to my door, on their knees, with bags of freely convertible currency and promising me all the exotic foodstuff that you associate with gold plated success.

Picture this
A group of year 12 (5th year in old money) are gathered by the bike rack, and there are many bikes, as the nation has embraced the two wheeled mode of transport as cars are legally evil, and fossil fuelled vehicles are condemned to the scrap heap, or the Isle of Man, which has become a dystopian setting of man v machine v very tight corners with unforgiving stone walls.

The boys are passing round their vapes, comparing caramel vs latte, vs panini flavours. The more flamboyant are creating huge plumes of aromatics, while the shy but adventurous are keen to be seen near to the in-crowd with their vanilla or mint starter kits.

The older kids are toying with stronger flavours, frangipani and Black Forest. At this point the PE teacher walks by, and recommends a few new flavours he has been trying out that has helped the badminton team; echinacea and milk thistle.

They all laugh heartily and everything is just amazing and………………..then……….the colour fades out of the faces of the children, the smiles become looks of horror, the sky blackens and the clocks rewind to 2016, the Year that the Clocks Went Back.

It is now a few years later. The child, let’s call him Toby, does not want to go to school, but his dad says he has to, and today is Wednesday which is games day, so he must make sure he has all his kit as well his his inhalers or he will be shipped off to the Home for the Carnal Benefit of MPs and DJs. He double checks his gym kit; can’t be too careful. He has his gluten, lactose, and nut free packed lunch ready. When he joined the Grammar School of Curious Intolerant Children, those were the happy days, but then 2016 happened.
His father had explained to him The Year that the Clocks Went Back. Up until 2016 the world was becoming more tolerant towards those with eating disorders with even leading pizza chains offering gluten free alternatives, and the country showed tolerance to those of differing sexual persuasion. Racism was absolutely NOT bang on trend, disability was embraced and people even whispered about equal pay for women, though this may have been a little too ambitious. Then in 2016 everything changed. Sexism was ok, racism was positively encouraged, tax evasion became a part of the curriculum and basement conversions including a swimming pool, cinema, snug and nuclear fallout shelter became de rigueur. One benefit though was that the PPE degree was rendered obsolete, as any fat orange twat with no experience of politics could rock up and get a job in politics.

And so the course of history was changed. Toby has his special lunch, he definitely has his games kit and inhalers, and he checks his Geiger counter to see if the levels are safe to make the journey through the underground tunnels to school.
Did I mention the nuclear fallout?

paz y amor

hola child, or should I say niño problema , think you are a problem child now, god help you in the future. I suggest that a new business opportunity will be to create energy generating machines, or large hamster wheels operated by children like your good self. The reason this is a good opportunity is that you mierda para los cerebros in the north, east, and south west of your land did not think that you will keep the lights on in your pathetic land, as your fragile infrastructure will fall over and the French are not going to build you a shiny new nuclear power station as you will only use it to run your 55inch (yes inches you backward pajeros) so you can watch your rat faced racist footballers.  You will not be able to run your coal fired power stations as the coal comes from Poland, the gas comes from Qatar ( you had your own but wasted that income on keeping everyone on the  dole for year after year) and you think fracking will solve all your problems you might as well watch Mad Max as a training video for how to survive in an apocalyptic post EU hinterland of shitsville. So my child, there will be plenty of jobs on the farms, in the care homes, and the car washes, the hotels and the coffee shops so think yourself lucky. Or you could stick bar codes on trainers in a vast warehouse for 50 pence an hour. Failing that start adapting your father’s Vauxhall Insignia into an all terrain desert vehicle and start wearing a hybrid of leather  and chain mail. For further reading try Rudyard Kipling’s Kim, which will provide everything you need to know about becoming a feral child in the jungle. Alternatively learn a foreign language and get the hell out at the earliest opportunity. 

Paz y amor. 

hola Hertfordtwit,

muchos gracias for your advice. I have just put a deposit (a monitory deposit) on a nice Volvo XC90, something I would not have considered but for your invaluable advice. The salesman said it had the best safety rating, very useful with all those DAMK drivers out there. I briefly considered a Subaru but my knuckles do not drag, so no point. It’s loco out there

Paz y amor

Lostobillos