As all good meetings should start, I extend my apologies, notably for my tardy response. Sorry.

Anyway I could say it was because of poor Wi-Fi or I could just say the truth, that I have  been in a cave on Mars. No really! I know they are advertising trips to Mars for, err, tourists and scientists, but we have been going back and forth for years getting all those rare earth (yes, on earth) metals that you all so desperately need for your phones and shit. Anyway ,poor old me, have to hack it out to Mars every month for you to keep tweeting, liking and snaptwatting. Anyway, it pays well, and I get every third weekend off. Plenty of room on Mars for the next series of Love Island. Will give all  them all a free ride just to watch the vacuous twats get jiggy on the surface of Mars. Pack the  factor 500 you numpties.

Thank you Chief Twit for clarifying everything. Top Answers!

Sorry northerners, looks like you have to make the most of what you have, namely the Humber bridge, angel of the north and Hadrian’s wall: all pointless. If we are going to put a high speed rail anywhere, it should be Dublin, so at least we get a damn good pint of stout for our efforts at the end of it.

Tax breaks; think we have that sorted, and agreed you should suffocate the beast that is the economy until it is as dead as a Tory U turn, sorry , dodo. I always say, when then country is on its knees, kick it in the public sector knackers, and then kick it again. Keep the buggers on their knees.

As for the music suggestion, we have a digital station in the wings for sure.

Cathedral Midnight Mountain, lovely rug, Mastodon, just great.

Kvelertak will be amazing once they get their O levels , or is it GCSEs or NVQs level 1 or 2? Love the stuffed owl; what a hoot.

I know the pallbearer guys well, shared a cave with them on Mars. Lovely bokes. V intense.

And we all love a bit of alt country so bring it on with Lift2…

I will definitely make an effort to listen to Sleep on my next trip out to Mars. Did I mention my trips to Mars?

During my next interplanetary trip I will come up with some new questions.

Peace and love

Dear Hertford twit, and of course Minor twerp, at the Institute of Rock (citation needed)
I agree that you have identified an excellent top 3 (or 4) and would never dispute the standing of James, Mr Dio, Phil and Bon. I would like to offer some food for thought.
You have kindly offered some references to remind us of their talents, sadly mostly to be never seen again; long live Hetfield! Bon Scott was indeed wearing lovely strides, (keep the mystery; NOT) and it was nice to see Lars with such lovely hair, but not a touch on the rock-locks of James. Phil Lynott had great hair of course and who cannot love the soft Irish tones over a rolling dual guitar onslaught. And then we have Ronnie, and his timeless voice, and hair. I was introduced to the delights of Mr Dio through the original School of Rock that was the Green Gate, by a young pretender, who, I believe, is still an evangelist of rock. He converted me, bless his polycotton socks.

But I digress.
In the spirit of also-rans, I must nominate a few extra vocal cords. Thumbing through my i-pod, 5th generation, a classic in itself, I have to put in a nomination for Steve Hogarth of Marillion. The sheer power of his voice means his live performances match or on occasion, better the studio version, much like Geddy Lee. (I am deliberately and maybe contentiously not nominating Geddy, who has been rocking the world for a mere 42 years to date, not out of spite but as it is a deeply personal thing and Rush are a “unit” that deliver brilliantly. I don’t think Adam Lambert could rock up and do Geddy’s job if you know what I mean. Both have lovely hair though). Indeed Steve Hogarth has lovely hair and his vocals, cradled by the beautiful guitars, keyboards and rhythm section of the band mean it is a delight to watch.
Let us also not forget the gorgeous Chris Cornell of Soundgarden, probably, no definitely, the best vocals to emerge from the Seattle scene. The band are tight and talented with heavy hints of Sabbath and maybe some Montrose thrown in for good measure (no, Sammy Hagar is not getting a nomination , though he does have a great rock voice and lovely hair.) Cornell delivers in the band tracks but also, check out his live solo efforts; the Day I Tried to Live, or Fell on Black Days shows what a talent he is.
And of course we must not forget Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes, a voice that makes your heart soar, makes the hairs on the back of your neck rise up, maybe in eagerness to listen themselves. My Morning Song, particularly will make you smile so hard you will end up with rictus (especially live) , Wiser Time will make you cry , in a good way, and Remedy will make your trousers fall down.
Perry Farrel needs a mention but he falls into the “unit” category of stunning band efforts.
And one final word for one of the hardest working vocals going. Mein Gott, if it’s not Klaus Meine of the Scorpions. Whether it is the climate change classic of Rock You Like a Hurricane, the laidback Arizona, or the frankly ridiculous but lovable Passion Rules the Game, Klaus delivers in buckets. The Scorpions also ended the cold war through music, bludgeoning the Berlin Wall down with their Rudy Schenker riffs and Klaus using a particularly resonant F sharp to actually shatter the concrete wall apart, something the hippies never managed. (we shall politely ignore The Hoff’s claims here, not the time nor the place, but he has nice thick hair)

Peace and Love

Dear Hertford Twit,

Once again Intertwit has not disappointed me and you have sourced some tasty boots, some would say bootylicious, but not me as I am not 14 years old.

To add to this you have designed me a bespoke pair of boots that are both tasteful, modest, innovative and environmentally friendly which pretty well sums me up.

I am really looking forward to taking delivery of these. I imagined a cutting edge enterprise like Intertwit will deliver them by a drone or vacuum tube into my pantry, but then I though it would make more sense to simply  programme the CLPI and the GFLBA to walk to my house with the boots filled with enough batteries for the journey. You guys are genius. My neighbours will be so impressed when they see my Daffodil 1400s trotting down the road. Just watch out for the dog mess outside number 86.

Must rush, I need to write a sycophantic letter to Waitrose magazine saying how amazing the recipe for choux pastry was in last months edition; the book club were so amazed with my éclairs ( that should win me the Dualit toaster)

peace and love

du er velkommen til å ta Englands plass som de sparke en ball som en frysetørket sild , med en krykke , og klamydia , og et utslett og en svak unnskyldning om en lang sesong , og tilbake til sine gyteområder
bare hyggelig

Some times it is important to look into the present to understand the past. Rick Wakeman drives a high end, high powered German SUV which he says gives him plenty of room for his keyboards, with the back seats down if he is going for the full right angle playing style, while providing a comfortable ride.

It is clear that there is a hidden undercurrent of song titles and lyrics about the desire to have a freedom granting rugged 4×4 vehicle. In much the same way Volkswagen have found inspiration from  the desert in their Toureg, and the less obvious tiger and iguana compression that is the Tiguan, and we won’t mention the Touran. All the above could quite happily be stories weaved into such classics as Machine Messiah or the bang on  trend White Car. So when they switch to 4/4 there is every chance that Jon Anderson is subtly promoting the benefits of all wheel drive, though your guess is good as mine. The key changes do suggest the ability to remain in 4×4 mode for rough terrain or disengage the differential and improve your fuel economy on the open road. In fact many of their songs reflect the need to have as much control and power at your disposal to negotiate the varied surfaces, or the impenetrable lyrics of many, ok all, of  their huge tome.  While the accessible 90125 stands apart, it is a well guarded secret that the original title for the stand out hit, was none other than Owner of a Lonely Goat. Rabin’s lyrics were nobbled by the Horned one, but if you sing it with Goat rather than  Heart it suddenly makes sense. Of course the goat is the ultimate off roader, so again, the theme runs strongly through their work.  Expect Nissan to reveal the Khatru Hybrid very soon. Or the Nissan Goat.

I think that should provide enough material to develop a PhD or two for the Institute. Good luck, peace and love

Dear lostobillos

Hola,  I feel like I know you.  Have we met?

While everything my fellow twit has said is completely correct, I believe smart cars are so called as they are short for smartarse cars. The drivers believe they have extra talents that others do not possess such as nipping through gaps that you could have driven a routemaster through with room to spare, or , very funny this one, parking their car perpendicular to the kerb and every normal car. They believe this to show  how resourceful they are. What it actually says is ” I am an attention seeking tit”.

These cars are common with the youth, before they trade up to a Vauxhall Corsa, stolen to order from Luton or Dunstable. They are also very popular with personal fitness trainers, usually  called Mario or Enrique or Hugo, seen plying their trade after their clients have dropped the kids off and need to kill a few hours before their hedge fund manager husbands come back some time just before midnight.

Smartarse cars are also popular with independent estate agents, with wacky sole trader names such as Gentle Rental, or Pink and Fluffy Homes. These companies will disintegrate after about 6 months, and the drivers will end up driving a Mini emblazoned with the hateful names of the  high street chains of money grabbing sharks. The car may change but the twattish driving remains the same.  Fortunately common law in the UK exempts all estate agents from having to pass exams to exercise their trade, or have any moral compass. As a result both sellers and buyers alike refer to them as soulless shallow fuckwit shitepigs.

I hope this has been helpful.

love and peace

JohnOB

Thank you Intertwit, our team won against stiff competition. Mostly Intertwit gave us the belief; self doubt never creeped into our strategy,  and we mostly answered B, or C.

Bravo!

Dear minor twerp

My first reaction was to recommend you a good lawyer but I do not know any.

In the next four days I suggest you ingratiate yourself with the guards and secure a job in the kitchens peeling potatoes. Potatoes are an excellent power source as any of you will know who have received a potato clock for your birthday. This will provide your power source. You will need about 100kg of spuds, preferably Maris Piper or Desiree but definitely not whites or new potatoes, and under no circumstances sweet potatoes: that is just wrong. You will need to wire these in parallel, adding potatoes to up the torque rating as needed, using carefully rolled tin foil purloined from the kitchen, or even better if you can strip the copper out of the local lighting or CCTV circuits. I am sure some of your fellow inmates can advise. While you are in the kitchen you will also need to strip out the motor from a Kenwood chef. It has to be a proper Kenwood chef, not an inferior copy. They are very easy to strip down, service and repair, and I often practice blindfolded so that I can do this even at night, or in your case when it’s lights-out. You now have the motor and the power.

Unless you have a gullible German guard who will provide you a tungsten carbide drill for some of your chocolate ration, or some Wrigley spearmint gum, or bubblicious, or failing that some very ripe Camembert, you will need to fashion a drill bit from your resources. If you have a deluxe fondue set with the tungsten carbide tipped fork you are on a winner here, but those models were only produced briefly post war in Interlaken so this is unlikely. Fortunately the engaging pin on the Kenwood chef is made of an excellent grade of stainless steel, over-engineered many would say, but this is one part you will never have to replace in my experience. Do not forget to put a post it note on the Kenwood chef saying ‘Malo’ which is Spanish for ‘out of order’. This will prevent any suspicion from the head chef.

The engaging pin will prove an excellent substitute for a tungsten carbide drill. It may take longer, but by keeping the tip moist you will prevent overheating.

You may also wish to set up a rudimentary air scarifying system to deal with the dust. I have no personal experience of this but if you request to watch Apollo 13 in the prison cinema there is a full set of instructions hidden into the plot, so pay attention.

I think you are now in a good position to attempt your escape. If it works out, please stay clear of the goats. If it does not, please request that Auntie Margaret conceals a Mikita or Dewalt cordless drill in the red grape delivery, the Thomson variety of grape will provide the best cover. Tell her not to be tempted by the cheaper drills available; they won’t last the job.

Bon voyage