As we both know Mr Twit we are both locked in the same ‘institution’ in adjacent rooms. I was trying to maintain the illusion that we only communicated via this mighty fine website rather than screaming down the corridor at each other from behind doors. Have you worked out how to open them yet from the inside?

Anyway, as the nurses wheeled you down the corridor just now in that constraining belt thingy, I wondered if you should drop the knee-length woollen socks? If you do I’ll get some cotton underpants. The rubber ones are creating issues.

Thanks for the photo. Never seen you wear a tie before. Nice addition. Adds something for sure!

I always appreciate your advice but there again that got me in here in the first place.

We’ve arrived and waiting to get ice creams from somewhere. I’m off to get a state approved haircut while you think about the key issues/fun-activities here. Let us know so we can enjoy the holiday. Can’t wait to show you my new haircut!

Thank you Intertwit. I’ve seen those self-propelling ones around town. They always have “In association with Intertwit” on the back (fully branded with the web address for this website etc.).

That aside, I’m afraid 150kg will be  under the required weight requirement. The drinking party will have an average weight of 28 stone which is likely to move comfortably in to 30+ bracket given the volume of carbohydrates that will be consumed (along with the beer, many of the party consume a lot of quiche).

I for one have decided to go for the “bags that sliced bread come in”. I’m already finding this highly convenient and given the significant amount of crumbs left over in those things, a handy emergency snack resource. Although I must confess, they taste better pre-soiled.

Thanks again.

Dear NikkiH,

I’ve got an excellent Curly Kale Doner Kebab recipe. When ordering your next kebab ask for all of the salad options (including Curly Kale – they might just have it). Go outside and immediately identify the nearest bin. Ditch all of the items in the kebab that are not made from either pitta, lamb (eyeballs and testicles etc.) or chilli sauce. Then consume it. You’ll feel great about asking for all the salad (you’ll remember that in the morning) but may have forgotten about the bin incident. You’ll also have shaved off 10 calories thereby taking it down to (on average) 980 calories – and for some of us calorie counters, that saving really stacks up day after day.

Dear Intertwit,

Thank you very much. Your advice was excellent and since reading your response a few minutes ago I’ve now implemented your suggestions. I’m free!

For future reference – and this may be useful if you have a similar questions in the future – we didn’t have a Kenwood Chef in the prison kitchen so I used the Magimix 3200XL BlenderMix Food Processor – finished in cream I might add. So during my escape via my newly constructed drill, not only did I benefit from the extra motor power but also was able to soak the aesthetics of it all. It made my escape all that much more pleasing.

I do realise though I’ve probably compromised my position as the UK’s most wanted Goat hustler by communicated via your website. From now on I need to get much cleverer and cleverer. So I will correspond with you via old-fashioned mail. I’m currently hiding here in a Lion enclosure (I’m the one that looks like that geezer of the wizard of Oz if you decide to visit):

Chessington World of Adventures Resort
Leatherhead Road
Chessington
Surrey
KT9 2NE

I think I’ve cracked this whole escape business so thanks again!